WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS A MIX OF PARODY, SATIRE, AND SOCIAL COMMENTARY. THE RICH AND FAMOUS WILL BE MADE FUN OF. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
ROMNEY WORDSWORTH -Continuing with our Gala First Annual Romney Awards of 2015, our next award category is Website of the Year. The Romney Award for Best Website of 2015 goes to the website that had the greatest influence on culture, society, and politics. And the winner is….
WEBSITE OF THE YEAR: The Drudge Report. The Drudge Report was the website that set the news narrative for 2015, and is scanned daily by public officials and journalists around the world. If it isn’t on the Drudge Report, it isn’t news that everyone is talking about. Accepting for the Drudge Report is….Matt Drudge! Matt is making his way up from Alex Jones’ table, and taking some congratulatory handshakes from Rush Limbaugh, Mark Levin, and Michael Savage on his way up on stage.
Matt Drudge: “Good evening and thank you. Thank you for this lovely award…it’s great to have one’s work vindicated, especially since I never get any recognition from the traditional dinosaur media <boos from the NBC table> …Yeah, yeah they’ve never forgiven me for scooping them on the Monica Lewinsky story. They thought they could bury that one for the Clintons…But it’s a new day in Media. We aren’t going to let the corporate Establishment set the narrative anymore <boos from the ABC-Disney table>…Yeah, go ahead and jeer…that’s why your circulation is crumbling, your viewership is dwindling, and people don’t trust what you report anymore! So I am going to give a platform and a voice to new media players as long as I can. You think you’re going to put this genie back in the bottle using the Supreme Court and copyright laws? Well, you’ll have to arrest me and lock me up, because I’m just going to go outside the country if I have to, to keep the Drudge Report what it is today. Thank you again, and good night.” <huge applause, standing ovation>
Runner Up: Twitter. Never have so many lost their jobs for so little, than 140 character tweets on Twitter. Twitter has become the most prominent website for celebrities to rant, and then ruin their careers to social justice warrior mobs carrying out electronic lynchings.
2nd Runner Up: Facebook—For doing more than any other website to destroy freedom and liberty and create new tools of oppression for government totalitarians. Whether it’s working with ex-Stasi agents in Germany to arrest those opposing Muslim immigration, or giving the Chinese government the metadata to create mandatory Citizen Scores, or just censoring the voices of conservatives and anti-abortion activists here at home, Facebook IS the Boot Stamping on a Human Face Forever.
LOSER OF THE YEAR: Brian Williams. Brian Williams went from a multi-million dollar job reading a news prompter and having salon quality hair to a laughingstock internet meme that will forever be associated with gigantic, ridiculous lies. The lie that ultimately did him in was claiming to have come under fire while riding an army helicopter in Iraq. Turned out it wasn’t true. Then dominoes started to fall, one after another. Turned out Brian really didn’t see a dead man float by his hotel in New Orleans, either. He stayed in the French Quarter, which was never flooded. The fact checkers just kept nipping at Brian’s heels until even “Circle-the-Wagons” NBC had to fire him.
Accepting for Brian Williams is his good and dear friend, Moses:
“Shalom, and thank you all on behalf of Brian Williams. I brought with me a montage of Brian’s greatest moments in Journalism”:
Runner Up: Jeb Bush, the Republican Heir Apparent, who went from presumptive front runner at the beginning of 2015 to 6th place with polling at 3%. Jeb spent $100 million of the Donor Classes money to win the primary. Donald Trump destroyed him without spending a cent by calling him Mr. Low Energy during a televised debate.
2nd Runner Up: The Donors who spent $100 million on Jeb Bush.
INTERNET MEME OF THE YEAR: Vladimir Putin, President of Russia, and barechested badass of the internet memes. Accepting for Vladimir Putin is…Vladimir Putin!
Vladimir Putin: “I don’t always hike, hunt, and fish bare chested, but when I do, I drink Stolichnaya Vodka. A man’s drink. I’ve hunted whales from the bow of a rubber boat…for tagging, research purposes. I’ve hunted polar bears…with dart gun for tagging and research purposes. I’m a 6th black belt judo holder, and I can fly a plane or a helicopter or even a hang glider. There is not a firearm made that I am not proficient with, and I know a hundred ways to snap a man’s neck or inflict excruciating pain in your extremities. The one thing I don’t do…is golf. Golf is for sissies. Thank you.”
Runner Up: Grumpy Cat.
2nd Runner Up: Je Suis Charlie
MOVIE OF THE YEAR: Star Wars: The Force Awakens
Oh, I’m sorry but the broadcast booth is telling me our time is almost up. So we won’t be getting to our other categories such as Movie Flop of the Year (Concussion), Song Track of the Year (Adele, Hello), Video Game of the Year (Fallout 4) or Consumer Product of the Year (Hover Boards that burst into flames).
I hope you all had a wonderful New Year’s Eve and while you’re taking it easy on New Year’s Day today don’t forget to subscribe and hit that LIKE button. Thank you and Good Night!