New Species of Lemmings Discovered Infecting The U.S.

ELDER PATRIOT – Lemmings are animals most noted for following one another over a cliff to their demise.  Recent scientific research has now discovered that America has two varieties of lemmings, both experiencing wild fluctuations in their populations from massive herds to near extinction.

Most of us are familiar with the small, furry, gerbil-like rodent that is native to Alaska.  Now, the population of another variety of lemming has been exploding in the lower forty-eight states and Hawaii.

While looking nothing like their Alaskan cousins, political scientists say that their unique behavioral programming that causes them to mindlessly choose a lead lemming to follow to their demise shows enough shared DNA to definitively declare them a species of lemming.  The ability to make this classification had eluded scientists for more than two centuries because of their visual similarity to humans.

Who could’ve know that the driver of that Prius with the Hillary bumper sticker was a lemming and not made of the same DNA as you are?  Apparently, this new variety of lemming is capable of being intellectually conflicted as evidenced by the pick-up truck that I passed with multiple bumper stickers reading “NOBAMA” and “Vote Republican,” as though there is a difference.

Most stunning to scientists is the ability of this particular species ability to procreate without sex.  That should not be misconstrued.  They are not asexual by any means.  In fact, they believe in sex in every imaginable form.  It’s just that they possess the ability to use words and phrases to grow their herds through, what scientists believe to be, a hypnotic transference of DNA.

Because this variety of lemming is known for parroting phrases such as, “you can’t fight city hall,” “too big to fail,” “in the long-run we’ll all be dead,” and “things are a mess I just hope I don’t live long enough to see the sh*t hit the fan,” scientists were confused with some scientists first believing they were genetically linked to the colorful birds.  However after much debate, scientists realized that the classification as lemmings was more accurate due to their propensity for violating the first rule of behavioral science in animals, which is survival of the specie.

Two additional traits of this sub specie that have been identified is their tendency to embrace Fascism and use of character assassination to avoid debate.  Scientists have noted a recent surge in these characteristics that now dominates their previously identified need to feel morally superior to their human counterparts.

More advanced study of this newly identified sub specie reveals in them a belief that a Utopian society can be created on earth but never in Heaven whose existence they reject.

Scientists have concluded these lemmings require only a constant stream of socialist rhetoric for their herds to prosper.  Relentless feeding by the mainstream media and the American educational system has fueled the growth of the human-lemming to the point where it now threatens the entirety of the human specie.

Interestingly, this sub specie of lemming is marked by its willingness to absorb great costs to protect every species of animal on earth no matter how small or insignificant except the human specie.  The scientific community is divided on whether to declare these human lemmings a natural predator of humanity.

Their dissimilarity with previous known Americans who fought the American Revolution and scaled the cliffs at Normandy was the first indicator that started scientists looking for answers.