ROMNEY WORDSWORTH – Somewhere in the underground parking garage of a K Street office building in Washington D.C., a meeting is taking place…..transmission begins:
Wermis: Thank you for coming.
Al-Jihadi: Not at all. Did you bring the nuclear fuel?
Wermis: We’re still working on that for you, but there is a more urgent matter.
Al-Jihadi: And what would that be?
Wermis: We need you to call off any further terror attacks in the United States. You are making things too hot…to difficult, for President Obama to deal with politically.
Al-Jihadi: Your boss, Brother Barack Hussein, has been a good friend and ally to the Islamic State, but we do not have the kind of control over our cells that you think we do.
Wermis: UNACCEPTABLE! Are you trying to elect Donald Trump, or something? How do you expect us to keep the White House if you continue terror attacks in an election year? I thought we had an agreement!?
Al-Jihadi: We have already conveyed your wishes to our field commanders in the mosques under our control. What more can you ask of us? And you are not keeping your side of our agreement, either.
Wermis: What are you talking about?
Al-Jihadi: Alex Jones is getting too close to the truth! His reporters have been snooping around our training camps in Islamberg, New York, and in Dearborn, Michigan. You were supposed to neutralize him! Have you seen the dead, soulless eyes of their agent-reporter, Joe Biggs? He makes my skin crawl!
Wermis: We have his entire organization under real time surveillance. The NSA knows everything they are doing, and everywhere they go. If they get too close, we are prepared to take them out.
Al-Jihadi: You had better be. And I’m not talking about some pin prick lawsuit. Do to them what you did to Michael Hastings.
Wermis: We can’t do that too many times. People would wake and realize we were behind the assassinations.
Al-Jihadi: Not my problem. Do what you have to do to keep our agreement.
Wermis: We are! At great political cost! We are taking a beating in the polls for taking in so many of your Syrian fighters.
Al-Jihadi: The ends justify the means. You achieve your goal of creating chaos and turmoil to confiscate the guns. We achieve our goal of establishing an American Caliphate. Allah’s will be done.
Wermis: We aren’t going to be able to get in all your people if you don’t keep a lower profile!
Al-Jihadi: On the contrary. These attacks serve your goals as well as ours. Have your President give a televised address tonight. Have him blame it on the guns. Have him announce more executive gun control. This will allow you to tighten your control over these sheep, and it will create more soft targets for us. You have to do something about your Southern Region. There are too many people with concealed weapons. Our fighters cannot safely carry out attacks when there is such a high chance that the infidels will start shooting back at our fighters.
Wermis: As you say.
Al-Jihadi: And where are the women you promised us?
Wermis: Our psychologists are working on it. We have several propaganda TV shows in the works that will portray the Islamic State as cool. Our psycho-propagandists are spreading the same messages on our college campuses.
Al-Jihadi: Make sure the women are Ivy League! No more community college dogs. We have a reputation to maintain.
Wermis: Of course. Our best results have been among the Ivy Leagure.
Al-Jihadi: When are you going to deliver the radioactive material?
Wermis: Soon, very soon.
Al-Jihadi: It will be a glorious day, to rival the attack on 9/11 and the attack on Pearl Harbor! Thanks to our Muslim Brother, Barack Hussein. Allahu Ackbar!
Wermis: President Obama agrees. Allahu Ackbar!