ROMNEY WORDSWORTH – Tonight is the BIG first debate between Donald J. Trump and Hillary Rodham Clinton. Expectations are high. The stakes are HUUUUGE. More than a 100 million people are expected to tune in, rivaling the amount of eyeballs usually reserved for events like the Super Bowl. Let’s look at the contestants:
In the RIGHT CORNER, wearing glittering U.S. Flag colored trunks and his signature, gravity defying hairdo, weighing in at 70 years of age, the Human Dynamo of Energy, the Paragon of Patriotism, it’s Big Daddy…
And in the LEFT CORNER, wearing an adult diaper, a blue Chairman Mao style pantsuit, and an earpiece, weighing in at 68 years of age, the Flagging Standard Bearer of Feminism, the Crown Princess of the Coughing Fit, and the Wicked Witch of the Washington Beltway…
YOUR DEBATE SCORECARD
Hillary has a seizure and collapses on the debate stage = Catastrophic Defeat
Hillary has a “medical episode”/never returns from the bathroom = Major Defeat
Hillary has a prolonged coughing fit = Minor Defeat
A Gaffe Free Debate = Tie
Hillary listlessly repeats her talking points = Minor Victory
Hillary manages some memorable one liner zingers = Major Victory
Hillary presents cogent policies that aren’t recycled platitudes = Amazing Victory
Trump asks “what’s Aleppo”? = Catastrophic Defeat
Trump is stumped by “The Pop Quiz” = Major Defeat
Trump is side tracked on Clinton issues like “birtherism” = Minor Defeat
A Gaffe Free Debate = Tie
Trump filibusters during Clinton Coughing Fit = Minor Victory
Trump slams Hillary with zingers that become “instant memes” = Major Victory
Trump defeats the “Pop Quiz” attack by talking about how Presidents handle the “Big Picture” = Amazing Victory
Single Best Winning Line to Look For: “Lester, let me tell what leaders do. Leaders command the Big Picture. They are concerned with Grand Strategy. I’ve laid out my strategy for _____, and it is this _______. Hillary Clinton is the Master of Minutiae. She’s passed every debate quiz about persons, dates, and statistics. But when she was Secretary of State, she was a disaster. A total disaster, and there are dead bodies in Libya, Egypt, and all over the Middle East because of her failures. When the call came in at 3:00am, she was fast asleep.”
Single Worst Line to Look For: “Vote for me, I have a vagina.”
2nd Worst Line to Look For: “My husband did….”
Hillary “tells” to look for:
#1) If her hair style covers her ears, she’s wearing an earpiece to cheat.
#2) If her eyelids are drooping, she’s heavily sedated.
#3) If her voice gets shrill and ear piercing, she’s gone into a rage.
Trump “tells” to look for:
Trump has no tells. He could out bluff Captain Kirk in a game of Fizzbin.
Enjoy the debate like your life depends on it, folks. Because it does. May the Best Man Win!